You’re Not Alone! Dealing with Loneliness as an Expat Family
Dealing with loneliness is a common struggle many expat families encounter. The expat community can be very welcoming (if you find one), making it all the more difficult to find a community when repatriating.
Loneliness is an unfortunately common challenge in the expat community. Due to frequent moves and roots spread across the world, you and your family may be met with waves of loneliness from time to time. Your child may have just graduated from an international high school, and all of their friends are off to different corners of the globe, uncertain when they’ll next see each other – if at all. Your family may have moved somewhere new, or they’re headed off to boarding school for the first time. Maybe your expatriate chapter is coming to a close, and you are repatriating to your home culture. No matter which scenario it may be, feelings of loneliness might stem from a sense that you don’t quite belong anywhere.
Loneliness can lead to many other difficulties. For example, children who feel lonely at their new school might start to show school refusal, or otherwise shut down. They may struggle to study and their grades may suffer. Additionally, studies have shown that loneliness is associated with both psychosomatic complaints, such as stomachaches, headaches, and insomnia, as well as poor mental health outcomes, including negative thinking patterns and reduced self-esteem. Belonging, on the other hand, is associated with emotional security and attachment which can be protective and buffer the effects of emotional stressors.
What Actually is Loneliness?
Loneliness can happen to anyone, regardless of how many people they have around them. It doesn’t refer to the fact that you are physically isolated, although this can certainly trigger feelings of loneliness. Loneliness is a subjective experience that tends to arise when there is a mismatch between our desired relationships and our actual relationships. Loneliness and (lack of) belonging go hand in hand. When we feel like we are not part of or accepted by a social group, we don’t experience social connection. To be able to have meaningful relationships, we need to feel included, accepted, and connected. If we don’t have this, we might feel unwanted, out of place, and like we don’t belong. This can be very isolating and lead to loneliness.
Loneliness as an Expat in a (New) Host Culture
Entering a new host culture as an expat family brings all sorts of challenges. Aside from figuring out the logistics of one’s move, it can be tough to cope with the many emotions that may arise throughout this journey.
Moving to a new country, without a doubt, can be an extremely exciting experience. There’s so much to discover! The chance to reinvent oneself, the prospect of trying new foods, exploring unknown places, experiencing a new way of life/culture, meeting new people, and new travel opportunities may all have you sitting on the edge of your plane seat.
However, as the novelty wears off, you might find that your feelings of excitement and joy have increasingly shifted to feelings of loneliness, sadness, and confusion. After all, moving to a new country is very overwhelming. Learning how to adjust to a new culture, trying to meet new people and build a new support system all take time and can be very challenging - especially if you’re also encountering a language barrier! You’ve been living in your new home culture for 5 months and still don’t have any close friends? The people in your new host culture might be brutally honest, or might keep to themselves much more than in your previous host culture (e.g., comparing individualistic vs. collectivistic cultures). This can lead to feelings of culture shock and alienation. On top of that, you might be missing home or previous host cultures even more now that you’re struggling to build a new life for yourself in the new host culture. It’s no surprise then that you might be feeling alone and disconnected from your host culture.
What Can You Do to About Loneliness?
One thing you can do (even before your move!) is to look for expat communities/groups in the area you are going to live. Search for Facebook or Instagram pages tailored specifically to expat families. Sign-up to be a part of your local library, which often hosts community events. Perhaps you find that this organization/group schedules regular meet-ups and gatherings for expat families to connect.
Encourage your child to pick an after school activities or team sport they would like to join. This will help them feel like they are a part of a group and will also strengthen their skills. If they are having trouble picking, make a list together of the things they would like to do. This can be quite broad - like, I would like to spend more time outside. This will help you both narrow down your choices. If they are feeling hesitant about starting, try validating this feeling and letting them know it takes time for friendships and belonging to grow. Familiarity is the basis for this, and the more often they put themselves out there, the sooner they will become familiar and therefore become a part of the new community.
Although making connections in your new home is important, it is equally important to maintain old ones. Friends might not be there physically for your child now, but feeling a part of even an virtual friendship can allow your child to still feel like they have a place somewhere and therefore protect against loneliness.
Even with these actions, it’s still possible that your child may feel overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness. At The Expat Kids Club, we specialize in working with third-culture kids and are experienced in supporting kids as they cope with these types of feelings. Therapeutic strategies like those of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) can be especially helpful, as they outline how to find purpose and meaning in one’s life and therefore provide direction through difficult times. This can be particularly helpful with loneliness because there is no easy fix for it and coping with tough thoughts and emotions while adjusting to a new home is crucial.
Loneliness as an Expat in Home Culture
Reasons expats might feel lonely upon returning to their home culture might seem less obvious to most people. After all, this is your home culture. How can you not feel like you belong? How could you not fit in when you’re one of them?
Depending on how long you’ve lived outside of the home culture, how (in)frequently you visited the home culture, and whether you have close friends and family in the home culture can all influence how integrated you feel when repatriating.
After repatriation, many expats notice that they don’t quite fit in or blend in with the people who were born and have lived most of their lives in the same place. You might hold an English passport, but because you lived most of your life in China the people you meet when repatriating to England might say your accent doesn’t sound like theirs. You might not know the slang they use. You might have missed out on other social milestones that have occurred in the community while you’ve been gone.
This can lead to a feeling of being ‘othered’ or that you’re the odd one out. You might look the same as the nationals in your home culture; you hold the passport and even might speak the language (not everyone does though!), but because you lived most of your life abroad, you’ve now returned with a different set of customs, skills, and habits from your host culture, that don’t quite fit or match with your home culture. This is a very valid and common experience amongst expats, too.
Many expats may feel alienated from their home culture because, ultimately, you’re not merely your home and/or your host culture; rather, you are a blend of these cultures, which is what is referred to as the third culture. All TCKs have a third culture, but each TCK’s third culture blend is quite unique to the individual. Expat communities abroad are usually very tight-knit. People come together quickly and develop a strong sense of interconnectedness based on their shared third culture experience. Moreover, it can be easier to create a sense of community abroad than to reintegrate into pre-existing communities that have been around for many years. Your child may be used to the more flexible expat communities, and when arriving in a more established one, they may be surprised by how long it takes to build a new community.
Similarly to when moving abroad, moving home is a great opportunity to look for groups that organize events specifically for other families in your same situation. Being part of such a group/community will help foster a stronger sense of belonging. Unlike locals who may never have lived abroad, other expats you meet in this community will be able to relate to you instantly as you share the highs and lows of your experiences abroad.
Another option could be to simply join an expat group (that is not exclusively for repatriated expats). Even though you may now be back in your home culture, you can join a community of expats whose host culture is your home culture! This way you can either show new expats around and guide/introduce them to the ways of your home culture if you feel confident to do so, you can exchange information/tips, or explore your home culture together.
If your child is feeling disconnected from their home culture upon arrival, try teaching them more about their new home. Visit historical sites or museums and learn about how past historical events have shaped your home culture’s society. Learning about the home culture’s history might help you better understand the new customs, and you might feel that this knowledge will help you feel closer and more integrated with your home culture. By understanding people, we feel less disconnected from them as we might realize we share more things in common with them than we’d expect which ultimately helps us feel more like we belong and less alone.
Remember, regardless of whether you’ve just made a new move abroad or you’re repatriating back to your home culture, (re)building and establishing new friendships and a sense of community can take time. To learn more about how EKC can help you along the way, read more about our therapeutic process here.