Dear EKC: How Do I Relate to Friends Back Home (Who Aren’t Expats)?
Dear EKC Team,
I’m an expat living abroad and most of my friends from home have never lived anywhere but the same town. When I talk to them, it feels like we don’t really have anything in common anymore. They’re always talking about the things they do together, like dance class and sports and just hanging out, and I’m trying to make a totally different life here. Sometimes it feels like we’re not even friends anymore. I don’t know how to get back to how we were when we’re living such different lives.
I want us to still be friends—but I also don’t want to seem like I’m bragging when I talk about things that excite me about living here. And sometimes when I talk about my life now, it feels like they really don’t get it. They don’t understand what it’s like to have to make totally new friends all the time or be in a school where half the students are from different countries. They don’t know what it’s like to try to learn a new language.
How do I keep my old friendships going when it feels like we’re drifting apart? Should I just let go or is there a way to make it work?
—Far Feels Too Far
Dear Far,
Thank you for sharing what you’re going through! It can be such a hard time to feel that distance between you and your friends back home, but it’s a very normal experience for expats. Moving to a new country and life that’s so different from what your friends know can make it hard to relate to each other. But don’t worry—there are ways to keep those friendships alive, even when you feel like you’re on separate paths.
One of the best things you can do is let your friends into your new world. Talk to them about your experiences, even if they seem totally different from theirs. Tell them about the new foods you’re trying, what your school’s like, and how you’re learning to adjust. You can even send them pictures or little souvenirs to help them feel more connected to your new life. “Bombard them” (in a fun way!) with all the interesting things that are now part of your everyday. It’ll help them feel like they’re experiencing it with you.
At the same time, ask lots of questions about their lives too. You mention that you are afraid that sharing your experiences could come off as bragging. By showing them that you’re still interested in what’s going on with them, you make sure you’re sharing the attention spotlight.
Ask about the things that matter to them, whether it’s the latest drama at school or how rehearsals are going for their dance recitals. It’s the back and forth that keeps friendships strong, regardless of distance.
It’s also okay to acknowledge that there are differences between you now. It’s normal for things to feel a bit off when you’ve moved away, but that doesn’t mean the bond you share has to disappear. In fact, having a friendship that survives distance and change is something really special. It can be helpful to remember that your connection isn’t just about what you do together in person. It’s about the shared experiences and feelings that brought you close in the first place. Those things are still there.
If you find that some friends don’t really get what you’re going through, that’s okay too. It’s important to be kind to yourself and realize that it’s normal to feel hurt when distance makes things harder. That doesn’t mean you have to give up on those friendships. Keep putting in effort where you can, and be patient with yourself and your friends during this transition and new chapter.
It’s okay to make choices about how you spend your time and to whom you stay close. Some friendships might naturally fade. That’s part of growing up, too. But others will stay strong, especially if you work to keep those connections alive. The key is to balance the relationships you have back home with the new ones you’re building. Talking with other expats who understand what you’re going through can give you some support and even start new, beautiful friendships in your new country.
You’ve got this! No matter how far away your friends may seem, your friendships can still thrive if you’re open and honest with them—and yourself—about what’s going on.
Wishing you all the best,
Kate Berger
EKC Psychologist