Dear EKC: How Do I Say Goodbye?
Dear EKC,
I’m moving again. I know I should be used to it by now, but I’m not. Every time I have to leave a place, it feels like I’m ripping something out of myself and leaving it behind. I know I’ll make new friends, find new favorite spots, and settle into a new life. But right now all I can think about is everything I’m losing.
The hardest part is telling people I’m leaving. It feels like the start of saying goodbye. And then the goodbye itself is so tough I just don’t know how to do it. Do I make a big deal out of it? Keep it casual? Full-on avoid it? Nothing feels right and honestly it’s because I don’t want to have to say goodbye in the first place. I know I have to but hate it.
Last time we moved, I barely said goodbye to anyone. I told myself it wouldn’t matter because we’d keep in touch—but we didn’t, really. Now I regret not making the most of those last moments, but I also don’t know what I should have done differently.
I know it’s unavoidable. This time, I want to do it in a way that actually helps me, but I don’t know what that looks like. How do I say goodbye without it completely breaking me?
-Not Ready to Leave
Dear Not Ready,
Oh, I’m so sorry you’re facing this. I hear you. Saying goodbye is one of the hardest parts of moving. You think you’ll get used to it, but no matter how many times you go through it, it stays tough. The thought of leaving people, places, and routines can be overwhelming. Knowing that there’s uncertainty waiting for you on the other side is hard too.
Even though you know it will be okay, it doesn’t make it easier in the moment. But you’re already doing a really good job in reaching out and I’m glad you did. The fact that you’re thinking about how to handle it differently shows a lot of self-awareness and that’s an important first step. Let’s talk about it.
The first thing to work through is that hard process of actually telling people you’re going to move. Talking about it can bring up all kinds of emotions and that’s totally normal. It might feel exciting, scary, sad, or even like a bit of a relief—and sometimes all at once.
Moving also comes with a lot of practical considerations and sometimes, you might not even be able to share the news right away. Maybe your family’s still working out the details, or maybe talking about too soon could affect a parent’s job or your school situation. That can be tough, especially when you feel like you have to hold onto a big secret.
When it’s time to tell your friends, being open and honest can help. You don’t have to have everything figured out. Just letting them know that sharing this is hard for you can be a way to build trust. If you’re worried that they might start pulling away or stop putting effort into the friendship, it’s okay to say that too. It’s a big shift, and in some ways, it can feel like processing any other major life change—like if someone gets really sick or when something unexpected happens in a family.
It’s not just about leaving a place, it’s about honoring the relationships you’ve built and finding ways to keep them strong, even as things change.
It’s also really important to know that there’s no “right” way to say goodbye. Everyone experiences it differently, so what works for one person might not work for you. Some people prefer big, meaningful goodbyes; others feel more comfortable keeping things casual. What’s most important is figuring out what YOU need, so you can leave in a way that gives you closure.
A good place to start is looking at past goodbyes. Take a little time to think about these questions. It might help to write them down, if that’s how you usually organize your thoughts.
When was the last time I had to say goodbye?
Who or what was I saying goodbye to? (It doesn’t have to be a person; it could be a place, a school, a team, or even a favorite café. Every goodbye matters, big and small.)
What was the hardest part about that goodbye?
Was there anything that actually helped?
What do I want to do differently this time?
Your answers can help you take a look at and understand your own patterns. If you felt like a past goodbye was rushed or incomplete, maybe this time you want to be more intentional. If big goodbyes make you feel uncomfortable, maybe you’d prefer individual goodbyes instead of a party. If you regret not keeping in touch, maybe you want to make a plan for how you’ll stay connected before you leave.
There are a lot of ways to make saying goodbye feel a little better, too. You might want to make something physical, like a scrapbook or playlist to remember your time in that place. Perhaps a box of small things that represent your experience–something you can hold onto after you leave. If you have a last hangout or special moment, taking pictures to mark the transition gives you a beautiful memory to keep. It can also help you feel like you’ve said a proper goodbye.
Processing your feelings is such an important part, too. Maybe write letters to the people who have meant something to you. Even if you don’t send them, it can be helpful to get your feelings on paper—and if you do send them, I’m sure they’d love them.
In the same vein, think about sharing your feelings with the people around you, if you’re comfortable doing so. Let them know what you need. Some friends might seem like they’re avoiding the topic because they don’t know what to say. If you bring it up, they’ll have an opening to better support you in a way that actually helps. It can be a relief for both of you to talk about “the elephant in the room.” It also keeps friendships strong, to know that you’re leaning on each other.
And remember: goodbyes don’t have to be forever. Just because you’re leaving doesn’t mean the people and experiences that mattered to you will suddenly disappear. Staying in touch looks different for everyone. Maybe it’s texting or FaceTiming, sending voice messages, or even old-fashioned letters. It won’t be the same as seeing each other every day, but connection is still possible.
It’s okay to feel sad, and it’s okay to not have all the answers. The most important thing is that you get to decide how you say goodbye. It won’t erase the pain of leaving, but it can help you feel more at peace with the transition. Whatever you choose, it’s enough.
Take care,
Daphne Bouchépillon
Therapist& Ad hoc EKC Team Member