You’re Not Alone: Working Through Parental Guilt After a Move
Moving to a new place is a huge decision that comes with a ton of feelings for the whole family: excitement, uncertainty, stress. While practical reasons—such as career opportunities or family needs—might have made the move necessary, it can still be tough.
On top of the logistics, many parents struggle with guilt about uprooting their child’s life. Worries about their emotional well-being, their ability to adjust, and whether the move was the right choice can weigh heavily. The good news is that there are ways to manage those feelings while providing stability and support for your child—and for yourself.
In our series, You’re Not Alone, we discuss some of the most common challenges we see parents facing. Struggling with feeling guilty after a move is completely normal, but it can make transitions harder. You deserve the same kindness, compassion, and grace you’re giving your children. Let’s talk about how to get there.
Guilt Is a Sign of Love—Not Failure
Parental guilt is often a reflection of deep love and concern. When a move leads to feelings of guilt, it usually stems from a desire to protect a child’s happiness and sense of security. Instead of treating guilt as evidence of a mistake, it can be reframed as a natural response to caring deeply.
However, guilt can also lead to self-doubt spirals, creating anxious thoughts like “what if this move ruins their happiness?” Or “What if they never adjust?” These doubts can make parents feel stuck, even when they made the move for good reasons.
Rather than trying to eliminate guilt altogether, it can help to acknowledge it without allowing it to dictate decisions. Parents can remind themselves of the longterm benefits of moving, too. This could mean a better quality of life, career stability, or access to new opportunities. Expressing confidence in the move, even while acknowledging the challenges, helps kids feel more secure.
Children often take emotional cues from their parents, so if a parent openly regrets the move, a child might feel the same way. Instead of viewing guilt as a sign of failure, try seeing it as an indicator of how much you care. It might help you take a more constructive and reassuring approach, for your children and yourself.
Keeping Communication Open
A really common frustration for kids during a move is the feeling that their parents made decisions without their input. When “everything changes without their say,” they can feel powerless, leading to resistance, withdrawal, or frustration. Even when a move is non-negotiable, you can still involve your children in meaningful ways. The goal is to help them regain a sense of control.
One way to foster open communication and support them through the transition is to allow them to make small decisions. Listen to their input and take it into consideration. Decorating their new room, choosing a weekend activity, or picking a new hobby in the community can help them feel more engaged.
If a kid expresses distress about the move, it’s important to be honest while acknowledging their emotions. Tell them, “I know this isn’t easy and I hear you. We had to make this choice for our family, but I’ll do everything I can to help us settle in.” This reassures them that their feelings matter.
It’s also important to create an environment where all emotions are welcome. Children should feel free to talk about missing their old home, their friends, or their school. They shouldn’t feel like they have to hide their sadness. Some kids might have a hard time expressing their feelings openly, so parents might need to create natural opportunities for conversation.
Casual moments, like car rides, bedtime chats, or shared activities, can be good times to check in. Keeping it low-pressure can make it easier for both of you to talk.
Not Letting Guilt Lead the Way
When guilt becomes overwhelming, it can create a cycle of second-guessing. Parents might go back and forth between trying to “fix” things for their child and reminding themselves why the move was necessary. This emotional back-and-forth, or “ping-ponging,” can make it harder for kids to adjust. If a parent frequently shifts between statements like “Maybe we should move back,” and “This was the right decision,” a child might feel unstable.
Sticking to the decision with confidence is one of the most important ways to provide reassurance. Even when a child is struggling, it doesn’t mean the move was a mistake. Instead of focusing on whether the move should have happened, try to focus on helping your kid navigate the adjustment period. This means being a steady presence and showing empathy while maintaining consistency.
Comforting your child and acknowledging their struggles is important, but wavering on the decision as a guilt response can create more uncertainty.
Instead of trying to remove or “solve” all discomfort, you can focus on guiding them through it. Moving is challenging, but learning how to process difficult emotions is a skill that will serve your children well in the long run.
Expect a Transition Period
It would be wonderful if your children can settle in and feel happy right away! But adaptation takes time. Some kids adjust quickly, while others struggle for months before they start to feel comfortable. Setting realistic expectations is key for both child and parent.
During the transition time, children may go through emotional ups and downs. They might have days where they seem excited, followed by days of frustration, anxiety, or sadness. This fluctuation is normal and doesn’t mean that they won’t adjust.
Some kids might also show common regressive behaviours, like becoming more clingy, struggling with sleep, or acting younger than their age. These behaviors are often a way of seeking comfort, and they’re usually temporary. They’ll improve as the kids settle in.
Making new friends can also take time. Loneliness after a move is one of the most common struggles. Encouraging participation in familiar activities, like sports or clubs, can help create natural opportunities for connection. Meanwhile, maintaining certain routines from the previous home, like movie nights, bedtime traditions, or weekend outings, can provide a sense of stability. Staying connected with old friends through video calls, messages, or care packages can also help ease the transition.
When your child expresses a longing for their old home, it doesn’t mean that they’ll be unhappy forever. Missing certain aspects of their past environment is natural and won’t affect their ability to feel at home in their new surroundings in the long term. Recognizing and validating their emotions, while encouraging them to engage with their new environment, allows them to process the change. Supporting kids through the transition period helps them feel like they can “move on.”
Give Yourself Grace
No parent can predict every outcome, and no move will be completely smooth sailing. Rather than holding onto guilt, remember: you made the best decision you could with the information you had.
It’s easier said than done, but try to allow yourself compassion: acknowledge the difficulties of the move without blaming yourself. Struggles are a natural part of any transition, and they don’t mean that the move was the wrong choice.
Even when things feel overwhelming, it can be helpful to recognize the strengths you’re building in the process. Children (and adults) who experience change develop resilience, adaptability, and problem-solving skills. Through naming emotions and having them validated, they’re also building more self-awareness. These are qualities that will help them throughout life.
Transitions take time, and just because a kid’s struggling now doesn’t mean that they always will. Many children who initially resist a move eventually grow to love their new home. In the meantime, what matters most is a stable and reassuring presence. No matter where your family moves, your child’s most important source of comfort is the same: the love and support of their parents.
Navigating a Change? EKC is Here to Help.
Expat Kids Club isn’t just for people who live abroad-–it’s for anyone who identifies as a current or former expat and needs support, anywhere in the world. We also offer video consults and appointments so our clients can build a stable, trusting relationship with their therapist, no matter where life takes them.
We specialize in helping people navigate new experiences and situations from the universal to the unique. Our mission is to help kids, teens, and families build resiliency, discover their identities and values, and form healthy coping strategies to manage the tough moments.
EKC recognizes the importance of treating the family as a unit, bringing everyone together. We work with an individual approach and a systemic mindset to determine the best through any challenge.
Schedule a call today to speak with one of our therapists and see how we can help your family thrive.