Do I Have To?: The Why’s And How’s Of Forgiving Others
Forgiving, letting go, moving on… we hear those words a lot, but they are some of the best examples of “easier said than done”. We have all felt hurt by someone at a point in our lives and run into the hurdle of whether or how we might forgive them. Although it can be a difficult topic it’s very useful to understand what forgiveness means for our well-being. Let’s explore that together!
What do we mean when we talk about forgiveness?
The word can have many interpretations, so it’s best to start by getting on the same page. When we say forgiveness, we refer to the intentional choice to leave anger and resentment behind. This includes focusing on the future and prioritizing ourselves. Forgiveness does not mean that we diminish, deny, excuse, or forget that someone has harmed us. It also does not give them the right to hurt us again in the future or take away the responsibility they carry for their actions.
Why should I forgive?
Even though it’s often something we hear as “good for us to do” - you might still be wondering why. After all, we have the right to feel the way we do, and we probably have a good reason to be upset or even hold a grudge. So, why should you forgive? Because you deserve it! Although it sounds strange, forgiveness is all about self-care. It helps us to give away the experiences that do not serve us anymore. Rather than absolving another person from blame, set us free from having to carry the heavy baggage of anger and sadness. Letting go of the intense emotions connected with being hurt by another person (physically or emotionally) stops them from affecting our well-being and other relationships. It puts us back in control, right at the driver’s seat of our lives. In general, the action of forgiving another person makes most people feel much better about themselves and others. The idea of forgiveness can be compared to that of radical acceptance - to radically accept something does not mean we like it, or approve of it, it means we acknowledge it and let it be there, despite how we feel towards it. Similarly, by forgiving, we are not ignoring how we feel - actually quite the opposite! We are making radical space for how we feel by fully acknowledging it and working towards letting it go.
The truth is that the longer and more intensely we ruminate on how someone may have harmed us, the more it impacts our brains and bodies. It can become a part of how we see others and ourselves. For example, harboring anger toward a classmate who rejected our attempt at becoming friends is likely to guide how we would approach others. Maybe, we would react with nervousness and distrust if someone new tried to get to know us. Or maybe we would begin thinking of ourselves as generally unlikable as a result of one rejection. Thoughts like these would, of course, worsen self-esteem, and encourage us to act more distant. Our body reacts to this negativity, too! When resentment and bitterness start overtaking our thoughts, we begin releasing stress hormones (such as cortisol and adrenaline), which make us more nervous and impact our problem-solving skills.
How do I actually forgive someone then?
Although we would certainly wish it did, forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not easy or quick, and the progress is rarely linear – setbacks are just part of the deal! Why? Well, when someone hurts us, we usually experience many conflicting emotions – anger, sadness, resentment, confusion…. We may wish we could wave a magic wand and make them disappear, but these emotions serve a purpose. We feel emotions because your brain and body are trying to communicate something to us - anger tells us something was unfair, for example. And once these emotions come up, our brains need to have time to process what has happened and understand the feelings it brought out. Acknowledging, accepting, and noticing the effect of these emotions allows us to get ready to let them go step-by-step.
Another part of forgiveness is appreciating that we are the ones in control of the process. Sure, it’s much easier to forgive when we receive a heartfelt apology. Unfortunately, whether or not we receive an apology is not something we get to decide, and waiting for the other person to come around and say “Sorry!” puts them in charge of our forgiveness journey. That’s why it’s important to look at forgiveness as a gift we can give to ourselves whenever we are ready, rather than an act contingent on the decisions of another person. After all, we don’t do the hard work of forgiving simply for their benefit!
Despite our best efforts, we may find ourselves “stuck” on a specific incident or words that make it just so hard to forgive. In these cases, it can be useful to consider the perspective of the other person. What could be the reason behind their behavior? What were they thinking or feeling? Did they realize their actions would be hurtful? Empathizing with what could have been going through our friend’s mind when, for example, they break a promise to be our project partner can help widen our view of the situation. If we consider that they may have simply forgotten about the agreement, or have failed to think their choices through, the hurt they have caused us feels a bit less deliberate. Perhaps, once we have thought it all through, we realize that we could have possibly done the same in their position under certain circumstances. In this sense, learning to forgive helps us to become more compassionate and understanding towards others
Remember to check your expectations!
Although forgiving someone can lead to your relationship mending, it will not always be the case. Sometimes, the harm done is just too big to be able to continue the friendship. This can happen when the person who hurt the other refuses to change their behavior or to promise to do their best not to repeat the action in the future. The fact that we have forgiven someone does not mean that we have to continue being close if it does not feel safe or good anymore. Again, we do not forgive to “make up” with someone but to free ourselves from the weight of a negative experience.
And lastly, when working on developing your forgiveness for others, remember to be kind and patient with yourself. It might sometimes take a bit longer than you’d like, but try to not get discouraged.
You’ve got this!