Dear EKC: What is Home Anymore?

Dear EKC,

I’m 16 and I just got back from visiting my home country for the holidays. I thought it would be great, like what going back home is supposed to feel like—really comfortable and easy, like it’s where I really belong. But it wasn’t like that at all. 

At first it was okay! I thought it was the jetlag and it was nice to see everyone again and be in my grandmother’s house. But almost from the start something felt a little….off. I can’t really explain it. It was like “home” had stayed kind of the same and I was different, like everything I was seeing belonged to a different version of me. It was like I was seeing my home through a new lens and instead of feeling connected, I felt out of sync.

And it wasn’t just that some shops had closed or streets felt smaller, it was random tiny details like how people talk and conversation flows. It felt overwhelming, like now I’m used to life being a little quieter. And the cars back home are so big and loud too! I hadn’t noticed anything before but now it felt obvious. 

Even when I visited my friends it felt a little awkward, like I was on the outside. I kept wondering if they noticed how much I’d changed too, or if I was the only person feeling the difference. I was scared that if I talked about it, it would sound like bragging. Like I thought I was better, now that I live abroad and they’re still in our hometown, even though I didn’t mean it that way. So I just laughed along and hoped I seemed normal. It was so hard.

Now I’m back here, where I actually live, and it’s hard to stop thinking about it. I keep replaying moments and wondering why it felt so strange. I thought going back would help me find that missing piece of myself. But instead, it just felt like something new was missing.

And now I’m stuck wondering—if I don’t feel at home there anymore, and I still feel kind of out of place here, where do I belong? Is this normal? How can I make this better? 

–Out of Place

Dear Out of Place,

Oh, you’re going through such a hard time. I’m sorry it’s so hard, but thank you so much for writing in. What you’re describing is something we hear a lot, especially from teens who live between cultures. It might help a little to know that there’s a name for it: reverse culture shock. It happens when you go back to a place that’s supposed to feel familiar, but instead feels foreign. It can be a really unsettling experience and it’s completely valid to feel lost or confused. 

Let’s talk about what’s going on. When you live in a different culture, you change. Your perspective broadens, your habits shift, and you start to adapt to your new environment. So, when you go back “home,” it can feel like you don’t fit in the way you used to. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that something’s wrong with you—it means you’re growing. 

Psychologist Dr. Dan Siegel talks about something called “name it to tame it.” It means that identifying your feelings can help you make sense of them. Right now, you might feel sad, or out of place, frustrated, or even angry—and all of that is okay. Naming those feelings can make them less overwhelming. You can say to yourself, “I’m feeling disconnected,” or “I’m feeling torn between two places.” Once you name them, you can start thinking about how to respond to your feelings with kindness and care. And you deserve so much kindness and care. 

You might also find it helpful to reflect on your identity. As someone who’s growing up between cultures, you’re part of a group called Third Culture Kids (TCKs). TCKs are people who don’t fit neatly into one culture, but instead carry pieces of several cultures with them. It’s a unique and amazing community, and knowing that you’re part of it can help you feel less alone. If you know other TCKs, lean on them–whether they’re friends, classmates, or even online. 

At the same time, try to focus on building those meaningful connections. Even if it feels hard, take small steps. For example, if in the future you’re missing the holiday spirit from your home country, you could invite someone to do something festive with you. It could be visiting a local market or sharing a tradition from your childhood. Sharing your experiences can help you bridge the gap between cultures and feel more grounded.

It’s also important to accept that you’re multicultural. You may never fully feel like you belong in just one culture—and that’s not a bad thing! You have a special perspective as someone who moves between cultural spaces. Embrace it! 

When you’re back in your home country, maybe try sharing a bit of your unique experience with your friends and family. Over the holidays next year, you could tell them a little about traditions from your host culture and do an activity, like all writing Sinterklaas letters together. These moments can help you feel seen and build shared understanding. Thinking about them in advance can bring you peace during this transition period. 

And, really important, give yourself permission to find balance. Reconnecting with your home culture doesn’t mean you have to accept everything about it. And it doesn’t mean that you have to leave behind the parts of your host culture that resonate with you. Instead, think of it as building a relationship with both cultures. Take what feels meaningful to you, let go of what doesn’t, and let your identity reflect the richness of your experience. 

You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. Feeling out of place is a normal part of being someone who lives between worlds. Over time, you’ll find a sense of belonging—not in one place, but in who you are. 

Sending you the best wishes for the new year, 

Kate Berger

EKC Psychologist