Dear EKC: What if I Don’t Make Friends?

Dear EKC team,

I'm really scared about moving to a new country because I’m worried I won’t make any friends. Here I have a good group of friends, but now I feel like everything’s going to be different. What if nobody likes me? What if I don’t fit in? I keep thinking about it, and it’s making me feel really nervous. I don’t know what to do, and I’m afraid I’ll end up all alone.

-Not Ready to Go

Dear Not Ready,

I’m so glad you wrote in. Being scared that you’re not going to be able to make new friends is the number one thing kids tell us they are worried about when they are moving. I want you to know that it’s okay to feel scared, and it’s actually a totally appropriate emotion to experience in the face of something so big and uncertain. 

The fact that you’re already thinking so much about making friends shows that friendships are really important to you. That’s a great thing because it means you’re willing to make the effort to connect with others, which is a big step toward actually making friends!

It’s important to remember that while the thought of not making friends can feel really scary, it’s just a thought, and thoughts aren’t dangerous. Thoughts can sometimes be sticky, and no matter how much you try to shake them off they keep popping up again. There are strategies for these moments, though! 

One strategy is ask yourself some questions: Can I be 100% sure I won’t make friends? Is there actually evidence that suggests otherwise? Another great reflective activity is to consider how you would support a friend who was worried about the same thing - what would you say to them? Can you adopt any of this advice for yourself? 

Let’s think about how you’ve made friends before. Where did you meet them? Maybe it was at school, in a club, or through sports. There will be places like that in your new country too. And remember, the friends you already have are proof that you’re someone others like being around. Think about the first things you or your friends said or did when you met—those little moments can happen again in your new home. 

What do you think your friends would say if you asked them why they like being your friend? Let’s write down some of those things to remind yourself that you have what it takes to make new friends.

Sometimes, making friends takes a little time and it can be difficult to be patient as the new connections grow. While you’re figuring things out, consider how you can appreciate and lean into the connections you already have, like with your family or your friends in other places. You can even try to connect more with yourself! 

If you find it helpful, you can also make a game plan of how you’d like to strengthen connections to others. Maybe taking the initiative to plan a weekly video call with friends, or ask your family if you can start up Sunday board game night again. Although this is not the same as having the new connections fully formed right at this moment, it will help this time go by a bit easier. 

And remember, I’m here for you. If you ever want to talk more about how you’re feeling before, during, or after your move, you can always reach out. We can think through things together, and I’ll help you every step of the way.

—Inka