Dear EKC: How Should I Deal With Bullies?
Dear EKC Team,
I’m in middle school and there’s this group of kids who keep picking on me. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to go to school. They call me names and shove me in the hallway. Last week they made a joke about me in front of everyone and now other people keep repeating it.
I’ve tried everything, including ignoring them but nothing helps, and it’s getting worse. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t told anyone because I’m embarrassed and feel like maybe I should be able to handle it myself? But I just want it to stop.
What can I do to make this end?
–Feeling Cornered
Dear Cornered,
Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience—it’s a big step and shows a lot of courage. And it’s one of the most common questions we’re asked in therapy sessions so I’m glad you wrote in so we can talk about it. So many people struggle with bullies. Being targeted like this is incredibly hard and it’s not something anyone should have to face alone. What’s happening to you isn’t your fault. It can be really hard to be kind to yourself when other people aren’t being kind to you. But you deserve to feel safe, happy, and confident in who you are.
You’ve done one of the hardest parts already, reaching out for help. We’re here for you. As you read this, take a deep breath. You’re going to get through this and it’s going to get better.
Now, let’s talk about some of the ways you can protect yourself and get the support you need.
The first thing to do–which is often the hardest--is to find a way to involve an adult you trust. This could be a teacher, school counselor, coach, or a family member. Let them know what’s going on—they’ll want to help. They might have resources or ways to step in that you haven’t thought about. They can also offer support and make sure you feel extra safe outside of school.
Lots of times kids are reluctant to take this step. Sometimes they’re worried that other kids will find out. Don’t worry: there are ways to do it discreetly so that other kids don’t know. For example, you could ask to talk with your teacher one on one after class. You can also email directly and ask them to keep it confidential.
I know that being at school is really tough right now. Take a moment to think about your safety and how you can create spaces where you feel more comfortable there, too. This could mean sticking close to friends or classmates who make you feel safe. You might spend more time in areas where a teacher or other adult is around, for example a music room or coach’s office. Try making a list of the places and people at school that help you feel like you can be yourself, away from the bullies.
Now for a really practical point: you should also start keeping a record of what’s happening. Write down the dates, times, and details of each incident. Report them whenever you can. If the bullying happens online, take screenshots before blocking or muting the people targeting you. This is the kind of information that makes it easier for the adults in your life to step in. It’s one of the best ways you can take action against the bullying and have a hand in stopping it. And there’s more to it: you’re not just helping yourself, you’re making school safer for other kids too.
I also have a hard ask for you. It’s one of those things you’ll hear a lot when talking about bullying: it’s important to try to not engage with the bullies directly. It can be really frustrating, feeling like you have to be the bigger person. It isn’t fair. But bullies are usually looking for a reaction, and if you stay calm or walk away, it takes some of the power out of their actions.
If ignoring them doesn’t feel possible in the moment, try to focus on breathing deeply and moving yourself to a safer place. Go to one of the spots on your list, especially if there’s a trusted adult there, someone you can talk to.
Remember: you’re not alone. Lots of people have a hard time with bullies. You’re doing the right thing by reaching out. With the right support, things can improve, and they will. You deserve to feel safe and respected at school and online and there are people ready to help you make that happen.
Keep going—you’ve already shown amazing strength!
Take care,
Kate Berger
EKC Psychologist