Dear EKC: Help! Holidays with My Family are Stressing Me Out!

Dear EKC, 

I love the holidays. I love the decorations, the food, the movies, all of it. I always have! But the past couple of years I’ve started to dread them. My family’s always had “different political views,” shall we say, but because of the election, this year is going to be intense. 

My aunt and uncle always seem to find a way to start an argument during dinner and it gets really loud and uncomfortable. It’s especially hard because they seem to believe exactly the opposite of what I do, to the point that they team up and attack my views. Then they make fun of me for being upset. 

Last year, my cousin and I tried to stay in another room, but someone always found us to pull us back into the drama. It’s hard. They’re my family, and I feel like I’m supposed to just love them and be nice. And I don’t know if I’m ready to stand up to them—I just get upset and they’re mean about it. But if I don’t stand up, I feel like I’m betraying my own beliefs. 

I haven’t really talked with my parents about it. Last year, my mom told me I should just let it go and focus on the good parts of the day. It’s not that easy when it feels like no one else is on my side. 

How do I get through this holiday without feeling completely drained, or like I’m doing something wrong? 

–Stuck In the Middle

Dear Stuck In the Middle, 

I’m so glad you wrote in. This is such a common question we get, and your letter is going to help so many people who are going through the same thing. It’s really hard to face situations where people you care about hold views that are completely different from your own. It’s especially rough when it’s during a time like the holidays, where everyone’s supposed to feel joyful and relaxed. What you’re feeling is completely valid. It’s okay to feel conflicted or overwhelmed. 

When you’re a kid or a teen, you’re in a tough position. You have to navigate family dynamics while having less control over your environment than an adult would. You don’t always have the same options that they do. But even for adults, situations like this are complicated. They’re your family, your relationship’s rooted in love, and of course there’s a natural desire to get along with the people we care about. Ideally, everyone would have the same beliefs, and holidays could be simple and cozy. But sometimes it’s just messier than that. 

It’s also easy to feel more pressure when you see social media posts of shiny, happy families celebrating together. It might seem like everyone else is having a conflict-free, picture-perfect holiday—but that’s not often true. Even in families that seem to get along well, disagreements and challenges happen. Someone burns the turkey, you know? Those “Hallmark movie moments” are aspirational for a reason: they’re not realistic all the time. Acknowledging this can help take some of the weight off your shoulders.

So let’s talk about some of the ways you can prepare for anything that comes your way during the holidays. One of the best things you can do is to reflect on your values. What matters most to you in these situations? Is it staying true to your beliefs? Is it prioritizing family harmony? These questions can help guide your decisions when conflicts arise. If you value standing by your convictions, that’s totally valid. And if you want connection and communication with your family above all, that’s okay too. Balancing these priorities is a personal choice. There’s no wrong answer. 

When it comes to showing up, remember that you have options. Being present doesn’t mean that you have to be involved in every discussion or debate. Think of it like going to the dentist (if you don’t like going to the dentist). You have to go, but you can still take steps to make it more comfortable. Which is better: going to the dentist in the scratchiest, most uncomfortable sweater you own, or in your softest, coziest sweater? Let’s find your coziest sweater and help you get through this. 

It might be, literally, a cozy sweater. Wearing something you really like and feel good in can help enormously. It could also mean sticking close to a relative you get along with. Talk to them beforehand and let them know you might need some extra support. Step outside to get some fresh air, or find a quiet space to regroup. Give yourself permission to take breaks when you need them. 

Some people find it helpful to use something like AirPods or earplugs to make a small mental buffer. If this seems like something you’d like to try, it’s a good idea to talk with your parents ahead of time so they understand why it helps you. That way, you won’t be worried about “seeming rude—” everyone will already be on the same page. It’s not about avoiding your family, it’s about making everything manageable so you can participate in a way that works for you. 

If tensions rise, you might notice emotions like anger, sadness, or anxiety bubbling up. These feelings are signals from your mind and body, telling you that something is off. Anger shows up when we sense injustice. Sadness and anxiety might be pointing to something that feels missing or unsafe. Our emotions are helpful cues. They let us know when it’s time to step away for a moment and take a deep breath. When you do, maybe text a friend, or check in with your trusted family member to help yourself recenter. Your feelings matter and you’re doing a good job for yourself and your health when you acknowledge them. 

When it comes to responding, the choice is yours. You might feel like speaking up, you might decide it’s best to stay quiet. Either approach is valid and you don’t have to make a firm decision before the holiday itself.  You don’t have to put yourself in a box where you’ll definitely speak out or definitely not speak out. It might shift in the moment, what feels right for you. 

If you choose to address something, consider doing so when you’ve had time to calm down. Talking to them privately might also help—it keeps the focus on communication and connection. The goal is to stay true to your beliefs while also honoring your values around family relationships. It’s not easy, but it’s all about balance. Any choice you make is the right one. 

If the tension feels too heavy, and especially if you feel unsafe, it’s time to talk to your parents or another trusted adult. They might not realize how deeply this is affecting you. Talking about it could lead to a plan that feels more supportive. Maybe this means setting some firm boundaries ahead of time—adults are good at handling this with other adults. Or maybe it’s best that you don’t attend the gathering at all. Bringing it up is the best thing you can do. When you take steps to make the gathering safer for yourself, you’re making it safer for everyone else who feels uncomfortable, too. It’s a very brave thing to do.

Ultimately, it’s okay if the day isn’t perfect or things don’t go exactly as planned. What matters most is that you take care of yourself and approach things in a way that feels true to who you are. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s more than enough. 

We’re rooting for you! 

- Jamie Rhiannon Fehribach

Clinical Supervisor