People-Pleasing Amongst TCKs: A Strength and a Weakness
Navigating the complexity of being a 'people-pleaser' is something many Third Culture Kids (TCKs) know all too well. It's not just about saying 'yes' too much; it's braided into the fabric of their ever-adaptive lives. Why do TCKs often find themselves in this role?
Their Empathy and Understanding
Through exposure to diverse cultures and perspectives, TCKs are often very empathetic and understanding of all sorts of differences. Their innate ability often leads them to play the peacekeeper, naturally avoiding conflicts and valuing harmony. For instance, growing up in international schools, I often found myself mediating disputes between classmates from different cultural backgrounds. This ability to understand and bridge cultural gaps is a great strength but can also lead to prioritizing others' needs over their own.
Their Need to Fit In and Be Accepted
Frequent moves mean TCKs are often the new kids on the block, sparking an instinct to mold themselves into what others need, just to feel accepted in their ever-changing social surroundings. I remember when my family moved from Singapore to Germany, I quickly learned to adapt my behavior and interests to fit in with my new peers. This often meant suppressing my true preferences to avoid standing out, a common experience for many TCKs trying to navigate new social landscapes.
Their Fear of Abandonment
And there's also the shadow of goodbyes that comes with the nomadic lifestyle—sometimes leaving TCKs clinging to relationships by accommodating, often at their own expense, all to avoid the pain of separation. The constant cycle of forming and losing friendships can make TCKs desperate to hold onto connections, even if it means putting others' needs before their own.
Knowing these, I’ve created some tips on how to avoid some of the difficulties being a people-pleaser brings.
Avoiding the People-Pleasing Pitfall
1. Helping Them Identify Their Values
Encourage TCKs to explore what truly matters to them. What traits do they value in friends? Understanding their core values can help them seek out healthier, more reciprocal relationships. For example, having a conversation about what qualities they admire in their friends can help them realize that they deserve friendships where they can be themselves.
2. Developing Self-Awareness
Foster a deeper understanding of the motives behind their people-pleasing tendencies. Through reflection and discussion, they can identify patterns and triggers, leading to more balanced interactions. Keeping a journal of social interactions can be a helpful tool for TCKs to reflect on why they acted a certain way and how it made them feel.
3. Normalizing Self-Care
Highlight the importance of self-prioritization. Teach them that caring for their own needs is not selfish but essential for their well-being. Encourage activities that they enjoy and practices like mindfulness that nurture their mental health. For example, setting aside time each day for a favorite hobby or relaxation practice can reinforce the idea that their needs are important too.
4. Validating Their Feelings
Create an environment where expressing emotions is safe and supported. By acknowledging their feelings, you reassure them of the importance of their needs and perspectives. If a TCK feels guilty for saying no to a friend, acknowledge that it's okay to prioritize their own needs sometimes.
5. Practicing Assertiveness
Guide them in expressing their needs and boundaries in a positive, assertive manner. Utilizing "I" statements can help them convey their feelings without resorting to passivity or aggression. For example, if they feel pressured to join an activity they don't enjoy, they can say, "I appreciate the invite, but I need some time to recharge today."
6. Setting Realistic Expectations
Assist TCKs in understanding that pleasing everyone is an impossible task. Helping them accept this can alleviate guilt and encourage them to focus on their own needs and well-being. Remind them that it's okay to disappoint people sometimes if it means taking care of themselves.
7. Modeling Healthy Boundaries
Lead by example. Show them through your actions how to maintain healthy relationships by setting and respecting personal boundaries. If they see you prioritizing your own needs and setting boundaries, they will be more likely to do the same.
8. Seek Professional Help if Needed
The Expat Kids Club understands these challenges intimately. We offer tailored support to empower your TCK in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies and embracing their authentic selves. Professional guidance can provide additional tools and strategies for managing these behaviors.
As a TCK myself, I've experienced the delicate dance of people-pleasing and assertiveness. It's a journey of finding balance, where respecting oneself and others coexists beautifully. Embracing our unique experiences and learning to prioritize our own needs can help us lead healthier, more fulfilling lives.