Dear EKC: How Do I Know When to Ask for Help?
Dear EKC team,
I’m the mother of a wonderful 10-year-old. He’s usually the happiest kid I know (other parents have said so too!), always caring and curious and asking a ton of questions. He seemed his normal self during the summer and first couple weeks of school, though he just moved from the elementary building to the middle school.
I know that secondary school can be more challenging than elementary, but he’s a smart kid, I also know he’ll be okay. Lately though I’ve seen some shifts in his behavior and I’m worried about him. He’s been more withdrawn and spends more time in his room. He doesn’t seem to want to be around the family anymore and there’s just this constant tension around him.
It came to a head when his English teacher called and said he’d had an outburst in her class. English is his favorite and he’s never acted like that before. She said he’s been arguing with other students and even snapped at her. She told me she talked to his science and math teachers and they said the same.
She suggested that we might want to get some extra support for him but I don’t know if it’s really at that point yet. Therapy feels like a big step. I talked about it with his dad and he says we should give him another couple of weeks. He wants us to let him get more settled in the new school and see if it works itself out. How do I know when it’s the right time to ask for help from a therapist?
I want to do what’s best for my son but I feel a little lost about what to do next.
-Confused and Concerned
Dear Confused and Concerned,
Thank you for reaching out. It’s clear that you want to support your son and help him get back to himself during this challenging time. And that’s one of the most common questions we get: how do I know when it’s the right time to ask for help from a therapist? You’re not alone.
It sounds like your son’s struggling to adjust—maybe to the new school, the new classes, a different schedule, maybe to growing older and having more responsibilities. You’ve noticed some pretty significant changes in his behavior: his withdrawal at home, increased isolation, and disruptive behavior at school.
These are all signs that he’s grappling with his emotions in ways he might not fully understand or know how to express. He’s going through some big milestones right now and asking for help from a therapist could be very beneficial for him.
Therapy is a safe space to explore his feelings, learn ways to identify and express them, and develop coping strategies. A therapist can help him understand and manage his emotions. The fact that his teacher called and suggested therapy is telling. Teachers and other caregivers often see different sides of a child’s behavior and they’re well-placed to notice when kids need more support.
As a society, we’re also (still) dealing with lots of stressors. There have been huge increases in mental health difficulties. This results from cultural shifts in how we prioritize and take care of some of our most basic human needs. A lot of things feel “up in the air” right now and that affects our kids, too. Societal stressors add layers of anxiety and uncertainty, even if we just feel a “tension” and can’t quite explain it. When major world events happen (like pandemics, or war), it’s natural to need some extra help.
It’s also important to take care of yourself. Your mental health matters too! It’s natural to feel overwhelmed when our children are having a rough time. Working with a therapist can give you guidance, reassurance, and strategies to support your son.
Above all, if your son says that he wants to talk to someone, it’s crucial to listen and act on it. A lot of kids don’t know how therapists work or that therapy’s an option, so listen to your gut as a parent. But when a child requests help, it shows his self-awareness and maturity. Supporting him empowers him to find answers and ways to work through (and with!) his feelings.
Keep in mind that it doesn’t have to be in-person, either. Many therapists (EKC included!) offer video chat options that can feel more approachable to kids needing help. This also allows your child to work with the same therapist regardless of future life changes or moves from the area.
Taking action sooner than later can prevent small headaches from becoming bigger problems down the line. It’s always a good idea to address concerns as soon as possible: at a moderate level, before they escalate.
Another good reason to reach out quickly is that providers often have wait times. At EKC, we can almost always see a new client within two weeks, but there’s also an intake process with an initial parent meeting. It’s best to make the appointment and have it in the books while you continue to monitor your son. However, EKC isn’t a crisis intervention team—so if it does reach an emergency level, contact your local authorities.
Seeking help is a sign of strength and care. You’re setting a positive example for handling life’s challenges—and improving your son’s overall well-being. I wish you and your son all the best as you navigate this chapter in your lives.
—Kate