Dear EKC: How Do I Make Home Feel Like Home?

Dear EKC, 

We’ve just moved again—this time from Singapore to Amsterdam—and my two kids, 7 and 10, are starting over at their third school in four years. They’re doing their best, but I can tell the constant changes are wearing on them. My oldest has started saying things like, “Why should I make friends if we’re just going to leave?” and my youngest has been extra clingy lately.

My partner and I are doing what we can, but sometimes it feels like we’re just reacting to every new challenge instead of building something together, a life, a “family unit” if you will. I worry that they’re growing up without the kind of consistent memories or routines I had as a kid—that I needed as a kid. We don’t even have a regular family rhythm. Everything shifts based on where we are and what our schedule looks like. 

I’ve heard that having certain family traditions or routines can help but I don’t know where to start. And it feels weird to, like, “build” a family tradition from scratch, making it meaningful, especially when we keep packing up and moving. How can I create a sense of “home” for my kids when “home” keeps changing? Please help. 

-Needs Stability (And a Nap)

Dear Needs,

Oh man, we feel that. Thank you so much for writing in, especially with such a thoughtful and loving question. It’s one we hear all the time and, as expats ourselves, have been working through for years with our own families. Let’s stop and take a breath first. You definitely deserve that nap. You’re already doing a great job. You’re noticing how your kids are feeling, and you actively want to do better for them. That’s what a good parent does. 

You already know that living abroad can offer so much, so many different perspectives—but yes, it can be really tough too. It’s a life that doesn’t always include steady points of reference. When your surroundings keep changing, what happens inside your home becomes that much more important. 

You’re absolutely right. Kids, especially Third Culture Kids (TCKs) like yours, do need a few consistent threads to hold onto. That doesn’t mean that everything has to stay the same, but having routines and traditions you can count on, no matter where you are, is comforting. It can give that sense of belonging that’s so important. The good news is that you can build those for them. 

Kids are flexible, especially TCKs. While it can feel a little weird to “make up” a tradition, that’s how all traditions happen if you think about it. A mom or dad starts doing something, maybe even something a little silly, on a consistent basis, and soon it becomes a ritual that makes everyone smile. It just takes love and a little effort, and it sounds like you have those in abundance.

A good way to figure out where to begin is by thinking about your own childhood. What were the little things that made you feel connected and safe? Maybe it was Saturday Pancake Day, holiday treats, or singing a silly song on birthdays. The moments don’t have to be big, they just need to repeat. 

Try setting up a few traditions that aren’t tied to a particular place. For example, you might make Sunday night dinners a regular “special event,” with a favorite meal, candles, and music. Maybe the people in your family take turns choosing the meal. Your kids can even help cook, grocery shop, plan —including them is a great way to get some family time in. 

Or it could be a family movie night, with popcorn and the same fluffy blankets, no matter where you are. If you guys like board games, that’s another great way to do it: family game nights are a classic. During long winters or times when homesickness creeps in, consider cozy options: hot chocolate, puzzles by the fire, and reading aloud together in the evenings. 

Even super small things, like singing a little song when you’re in the car and almost at your destination, can become one of those lasting memories. The ideas don’t need to be huge or super time-consuming (Elf on the Shelf, anyone?) - they just need to repeat. 

Birthdays are also a fantastic excuse for making traditions! Maybe try making a special “birthday breakfast,” or a special ritual you carry from place to place. Craft birthday crowns together, sing silly songs, and go all out. One of my favorite birthday traditions is to write a list of all the things I was proud of in the past year and spend the day celebrating them. 

The point isn’t perfection, it’s consistency. These little rituals become part of your family’s identity. They say, “we do this because we’re us.” 

It also helps to have a few shared values and house rules that stay the same from place to place. Things like screen time, mealtime expectations, or how you say goodnight don’t need to change with your postcode. Predictability in the little things gives kids something to rely on. 

And don’t forget the beauty of your family’s international experience. You can include bits of each place you’ve lived. Maybe it’s a favorite dessert from Singapore, a Danish song learned at school, photos from previous places you’ve lived on display. That way, your family traditions and new home reflect your whole story, not just your current address. 

Building consistency isn’t about resisting change, it’s about holding on to what matters most, no matter where you are. And you’re already halfway there, just by being the kind of caring, loving parent who asks how to make it happen. 

Excited to hear about what your family comes up with! 

Maayan Cohen

EKC Psychologist & Ad hoc EKC Team Member